18-year-old refuses to apologize for stopping inviting her flaky friend to hang out with her friend group: 'I didn’t want to keep planning around uncertainty.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Jan 31, 2026 8:00 AM EST

She shouldn't have to keep putting up with her wishy-washy attitude!

If you ask someone to hang out three times and they say no every single time, you're probably going to get the impression that they really don't want to hang out with you. Chances are, you are correct in that assumption! If someone really wants to hang out with you, they will take the time to find an alternative time to hang out if they're busy. Most people won't tell you to your face, "I don't really like hanging out with you one-on-one," so instead they will come up with a bunch of lousy excuses for why they can't hang out. They'll cancel on the day, saying they don't feel well or that something came up at work. Eventually, the person who keeps asking to hang out will catch on, stop asking, and both of them can move on with their lives. 

If you're the flaky friend, you really can't get upset when people stop asking you to hang out. You might genuinely want to hang out but struggle to keep your commitments, and that doesn't make you a bad person. However, if you never accept your friends' invitations to hang out, it might be time to ask them to invite you first. If you see your friends hanging out without you on social media, it might be time to take a long, hard look in the mirror and consider why that might be. It might not be because they're mean and excluding you.

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  • Three women lying on bed while raising their feet
    via Katarzyna Grabowska

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • The young woman in this story decided not to invite her friend to a hangout because her friend is always wishy-washy about committing to hanging out. When she found out the invite wasn't extended to her, she was extremely upset.

  • Am I the bad guy for not apologizing after I stopped including a friend in plans?

    Posting on a new account since my friends follow me on my main!! I (18F) have a friend who I'll call Leah (18F), who I've known since middle school.
    via u/user43582
  • We're in the same friend group and usually get along, but this situation has been bothering me for a while and I'm not sure if I handled it wrong.
    via u/user43582
  • Leah has always been a "maybe" person. Almost every plan gets an "I'll let you know later" instead of a clear yes or no.
    via u/user43582
  • Woman in black and white polka dot dress standing beside glass window
    via aisvri

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Sometimes she agrees and then cancels last minute, and sometimes she just doesn't reply at all.
    via u/user43582
  • Usually it's because she didn't plan ahead and isn't sure if she can go, which I understand, so for a long time I didn't say anything.
    via u/user43582
  • I have talked to her about it a couple times. I told her that the uncertainty stresses me out and makes planning hard, especially since I'm usually the one organizing group hangouts and making reservations.
    via u/user43582
  • She said she understood and would work on it, but the same pattern kept happening. There was one situation that really bothered me.
    via u/user43582
  • We had a reservation at a nicer restaurant that had a no-show fee per person. She said she was coming, didn't show up, and I had to cover her fee, which was about $20.
    via u/user43582
  • A dinner table with candles and plates on it
    via Anita Austvika (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • She never paid me back. I'm not upset about the money itself since I have a part- time job and make more than she does, so I didn't chase her for it, but it was more about the principle.
    via u/user43582
  • After that, I started feeling like I was always the one checking in, following up, or basically begging her to confirm plans.
    via u/user43582
  • So I stopped doing that. I didn't cut her out completely. If it's a bigger group plan, I still send it in the group chat so everyone is included.
    via u/user43582
  • I just stopped texting her individually to chase. an answer or reassure her. A few weeks ago, I made dinner plans with two other friends and didn't invite her.
    via u/user43582
  • I wasn't trying to start an issue, I just wanted something casual and low-stress. She saw it on Instagram and messaged me asking why she wasn't invited (usually when I hangout with these two people I invite her as well since we all went to the same high school).
    via u/user43582
  • I explained honestly that the constant "maybe" thing has been hard for me and that I didn't want to keep planning around uncertainty.
    via u/user43582
  • I told her it wasn't meant to be personal. She was really hurt and said I should've talked to her instead of changing how I treated her.
    via u/user43582
  • From her perspective, it feels like I was punishing her for something I already knew she struggles with.
    via u/user43582
  • This is where I'm conflicted. I do feel bad because I understand why being left out would hurt.
    via u/user43582
  • At the same time, I feel like I did try to talk to her and nothing really changed.
    via u/user43582
  • I didn't tell anyone not to invite her or talk badly about her. I just stopped putting in extra effort that was stressing me out.
    via u/user43582
  • Some mutual friends think I should apologize to keep the peace, but I'm not sure what I'd even be apologizing for.
    via u/user43582
  • I'm not angry at her, I just adjusted how I make plans. AITA? Edit: Hi everyone!!!
    via u/user43582
  • I'd just like to say I read through the comments and I'm so thankful to everyone for giving me advice!!!
    via u/user43582
  • :) thank you for taking your time and commenting, a lot of this seems really helpful and I will definitely be having a final talk with her (which won't include me apologizing first) and going over a lot of the points which you guys brought to my attention.
    via u/user43582
  • I'll update once I do that!!
    via u/user43582
  • WriteAnotherWoods NTA. My experience with maybe people is that they don't want to commit to things because they hope something better comes along, but they only do this to their "B" friends.
    via u/WriteAnotherWoods
  • user43582 Original Poster's Reply My friend actually has a separate friend group which she posts herself hanging out with often. This is context which I forgot to add to the post, but this was also something that bothered me. I understand having time management problems, but based off how often she hangs out with this other group of friends, it seems like she doesn't have as much of an issue scheduling things with them. I don't know why but I never realized she might just not view us as her main
    via u/user43582
  • Bunster04 NTA we had a friend who is like the she says yes but then goes off somewhere else if she had a better offer or was double booked. We now have a set date once a month and it's up to her to come or not. You could try something similar but not worth the stress of not knowing if she is coming especially when you have to pay for no shows.
    via u/Bunster04
  • user43582 Original Poster's Reply I think I'll try something similar and have a sit down conversation with her. I really do like her and I value our friendship, this issue has just been very frustrating. But your idea seems like it could be effective, thank you!!
    via u/user43582
  • Dangerous_Career5327 NTA you handled it the write way. However if you want to keep the peace, i recommend for future group plans give people a deadline and say let me know by X time otherwise Im presuming you can't come, and anything that requires money upfront, as in advance and if people don't pay dont cover for them before hand
    via u/Dangerous_Career5327
  • user43582 Original Poster's Reply This is a great idea, thank you!!!
    via u/user43582
  • KlavierKillah That was my first thought too. I had a friend like this and unfortunately it took over 20 years for me to wake up to it and realise that I deserved better. NTA by the way.
    via u/KlavierKillah
  • user43582 Original Poster's Reply :(( I hope you're doing better now, and I'm glad you realized your worth!!
    via u/user43582
  • q2ctf1 Serious question - this person cost you 20 bucks for a no-show and has proven to be unreliable. Why would you put any more energy into this if she can't be bothered? You've already had discussions. She should have been called out publicly for not paying you the 20 bucks. You're still pretty young, but you're going to find people that aren't respectful of your time and money don't deserve either.
    via u/q2ctf1
  • user43582 Original Poster's Reply Yes, I see your point. I think in this situation particularly it's just a little harder since until about the last year, Leah had been an incredible friend to me. Especially in middle school, I was going through a really difficult time and she had been one of the only friends who'd been there for me the entire time. I think that's also why I've given her so much grace, and why I continue to put in that energy even though we've distanced. If this relationship see
    via u/user43582
  • 2300abar NTA. If you're the one making the plans, make them to suit you (whilst considering others). You did talk to her, nothing changed and rather than make it a big thing, you made other plans quietly instead of telling her what you were doing. No apology from you needed unless she apologise first and you're feeling magnanimous to give one in return.
    via u/2300abar
  • user43582 Original Poster's Reply there's a little bit of pressure on me to apologize first because my friends are getting uncomfortable at the tension in the group, and I'm usually tend to be the bigger person.I also feel bad for involving them in this issue, which is partly why I also feel obligated to apologize in addition to feeling bad for her. I am a little worried that if I apologize first, though, she will keep repeating this behaviour. I feel a little stuck :(
    via u/user43582
  • Miramiya NTA. I have a "three strikes" rule when it comes to friends flaking out last-minute. After three times bailing with less than 24 hours notice... I simply don't structure time-or-money sensitive plans around them. If they want to host? Amazing, I'll be there! If it's a large group thing where no one is putting down money for reservations, sure, come along! But if people want to be not dependable, I'm not going to depend on them.
    via u/Miramiya
  • Pladohs_Ghost NTA. This is a consequence of her behavior. If people can't count on her to commit and show, then they'll stop inviting. I suspect you're not the only person who has shrugged and stopped inviting her to events. Sure, she struggles with it. That's a her issue and not a you issue. As I often told my children over the years, the diagnosis may explain issues, yet it never excuses bad behavior. If you behave badly, expect people to respond negatively.
    via u/Pladohs_Ghost
  • julesk NTA, I'd tell her you paid 20 because she changed her mind and you can't plan because she won't commit so she isn't included unless she agrees to give a yes or no and then follow through.
    via u/julesk
  • Bunster04 That's what my friend does, and she wonders why she doesn't get asked out anymore.
    via u/Bunster04

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friendship invitation teenagers social media flaky excluding
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